st_hotflashes | Be Careful What You Ask For (Closed to Peter)

Peter lets her.

He lets her because he thinks that for right now, this might be what she needs. He kisses her, hoping that like Curnen's songs, he can just communicate something to her without actually having to say the words.

But when he finally pulls away, he says them anyway:

"I love you, Liz."

A small tear pressed out form her eye at his words - words she definitely needed to hear even if she already knew how he felt. There was almost a nod in acknowledgement from her as she held his gaze for a moment. She loved him too. She was certain of it.

Still the ache didn't seem to go away completely, though it had edged a little.

"Touch me, Peter... I want you to put your hands on me. I want to feel like I'm - Like I'm yours."

"Liz," Peter says, placing a hand over one of the ones still on his face. "I can't do that right now. Not when you're upset like this."

Her brow furrowed, a look of desperation and hurt. "Please." Her voice cracked a little, hoarse again. Another tear wet her cheek.

"Please"

It's hard for Peter to resist her pleas, because he just wants her to feel okay and know that she's loved and if keeps saying no, she's going to think that he doesn't.

"Liz, we can't," he says. "You're upset. When you're feeling better, yeah, but not -- not right now."

She nodded numbly, the look on her face not shifting one way or the other, but she pulls her hands away and they hang by her side. She nodded again.

Liz stood there with the same almost-vacant stare as she did when she stood outside his door. Unable to look at Peter, her lips occasionally pressed tight together as Liz fended off a quiver or a sob.

"I should... I should probably go." Her voice seemed numb and hoarse and distant and it took her a moment before her weight shifts from what foot to the other foot, turning to leave.

Peter's hand catches her wrist before she can get out of reach; Peter stands, feeling lost and confused and suddenly insecure.

"Liz, you don't have to go."

She stopped, paused, then turned back to look at Peter. Unlike her usual demeanour that had some semblance of self-assuredness, Liz was utterly at a loss right now.

"I don't know how to make it stop hurting." She brought her hand to her chest. "Everything aches."

"It's not going to stop hurting," he says. "Not immediately. I know that probably doesn't help, but... that's just how these things are."

It's something that Peter knows from experience.

"I don't want to do anything sexual with you. Not now when you're feeling like this."

Peter takes a breath.

"But I can hold you."

Liz looked at Peter. Somewhere deep down she knew Peter was doing the right thing. That him having these boundaries made him a good boyfriend and she'd be grateful to him. But at the moment, she felt like he had the power to take the pain away completely and wouldn't do it. It hurt.

Still, the idea of leaving - of being in her room by herself - she nodded.

Peter shifts his hand down from her wrist into her hand, and leads her back to the bed. He kicks off his shoes and then lays down first, a single arm extended out imploringly, encouraging Liz to join him.

She watched him for a brief moment before she slipped off her shoes using the back of her heels and then crawled on top of the bed. Liz found herself curling up against him, her head finding the spot on his shoulder that seemed as if it was made just for her to fit there.

He's warm and he's strong - and Liz felt the tears flow again. This time she cried silently.

Peter folds his arms around her and holds her to his chest, one of his hands idly running over her long hair. It feels like every time he learns more about Max, the more Peter dislikes him. He wonders if he and Liz ever break up if her next boyfriend will feel the same way about him.

He presses his lips to the top of her head, wishing there was something more that he could do, but knowing that he lacked the verbal finesse to tell her what she needed to hear or the power to give her what she wanted.

For now, the only thing he can give is this.

It took some time before the tears subsided again. Maybe it was the fact that it became clear she and Max would never have moments like this ever again. She realized that even though she had told Peter on Tuesday he was it, a small part of her must have been holding out for Max still. Not anymore. That little part of her had been crushed by a terrible storm.

Somewhere along the line, Liz's fingers had curled themselves in his shirt fabric. She focused on her fingers as they slowly unfurled.

Sometime later, in the quiet of the room, her voice sounded softly, breaking the silence. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize," he says, briefly tightening his hold on her. "I like being able to be here for you."

It's the truth. He'd much rather her be laying here with him in bed than have her be off somewhere else, alone and sad.

"Did you want to spend the night?"

Liz felt like maybe she should say no - they had been spending the night more than usual it seemed and part of her worried about giving Peter his space. Another part of Liz wanted to desperately say yes. The idea of being in an empty bed with just her imagination seemed like a recipe for disaster.

Liz looked over the flat area of his chest, taking in quietly how the fabric of his shirt naturally bunched up a little here and there. She reached out and ran her finger over a bump, watching it flatten momentarily.

"...Are you sure it's okay? I mean, with, with Alec." Since she was sure, if he was here, he heard everything. Thankfully she was too tired at the moment to feel embarrassed, but she'd feel it later.

"Yeah, I'm sure it'll be." Alec didn't like to get involved with other people's problems. If Alec came around while Liz was there, Peter was sure he'd stay clear of them until he was confident that the crisis has been averted and normalcy had been restored.

Peter brushes a few stray hands out of Liz's face.

"Just don't worry about it right now. I'll take care of things."

I'll take care of things

Those words warmed Liz and she closed her eyes and for a moment that's all she really wanted. Normally Liz was of the opinion she could take care of herself - and she could. Being in control of her own destiny was something Liz felt strongly about and she didn't like feeling weak or useless, but somehow, right now, she was okay with it.

She was quiet for a while, letting Peter's breathing steady her in ways she couldn't quite describe.

Finally, Liz heard herself speak again, quietly.

"Why do you think he did it." Maybe she was asking Peter because he was a male and the same age as Max.

"I don't know," Peter says, honestly. "Maybe he was lonely or sad, or--"

Peter takes a breath, his chest rising, then falling when he exhales.

"I don't know. I'm having a hard time imagining it."

Somehow she had been hoping Peter had some answer because he was a guy and maybe it was a guy thing. Maybe she couldn't understand simply because she was a girl.

She slowly traced her finger in a small circle on his chest, thoughtful. It didn't help any that Peter couldn't figure out what.

"Do you think - Do you think it's something I did?" It probably was. As she asked the question, she realized it was probably all her fault. As far as Max was concerned, she had slept with Kyle.

Liz shut her eyes. How could she be so stupid?

"Even if something you did caused him to act like this, that's on him, not on you."

Peter takes the hand with the tracing finger into his own and gives the pad of her finger a kiss.

"We can't control the way other people act. The only thing we can control is the way we react to it."

Something that Peter needs to do a better job of.

She took in his words that seemed wise and reasoning far beyond what she was capable of at the moment. The kiss he pressed against her finger lingered like fire. Liz tried to focus on that.

He was right, of course. She knew Max had made that choice on his own, no matter what happened. It wasn't like she started kissing other guys when he had kissed Tess.

After another moment of silence, she spoke again. "You're not - you're not a reaction." Liz wanted him to know that explicitly.

"I know," he says. "You told me before and I believed you. I still believe you."

He shifts the arm that grasped her hand for that kiss back around her.

"Nothing's changed because of this." Or at least his feelings hadn't.

She thought about that - "Nothing's changed" - was that true? Could anything ever stay the same after a revelation like that? Where once she might have had the slightest wish that Max would show up here, now it was a dread.

"Do you -" She started, then stopped, her voice cracking from the lack of consistent use and the strain from the crying earlier. She cleared her throat softly. "Are you -" Liz stopped again, unsure of how to phrase what she wanted to asked.

"Is it weird for you... that I'm upset about this?" Like maybe he felt she shouldn't care since her and Max weren't together.

Peter dampens his lips.

"It's not weird," he says. "I'm worried, yeah, because I don't know what to do and you're upset, but it's not weird."

A beat, and then:

"Are you worried it's weird?"

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