I haven't written here in a while, even though things have happened. Life changing things I should probably write about. It just seemed... too much. But I'm going to try now because it's important. I wrote about the last time I almost died, I should probably do the same this time.
I'd been lying to myself about what I'm capable of. I thought maybe someone like Quill could teach me to be better than what I am now. That I could be some sort of super hero since there are people in Peter's world that don't have powers, but who fight too.
I was wrong.
I don't like guns. It's not that they scare me, necessarily, but I don't like what they do. I remember, you know? I remember what it felt like to get shot. I remember how it burned and seared and how I could feel air in my stomach. I should have realized it sooner, but even though Star-Lord uses energy weapon gun things, it's still a gun... and I don't want to kill anything.
So when we got to the cave, I changed up his plans and ended up causing a cave-in. I don't know why Peter was there, but I know if he hadn't been, I would be dead right now. I guess I really do have a type, huh?
If Peter hadn't been able to get free, though, or had Quill and Alec to help, we would both be dead right now. Somehow, that's worse. I don't want to be responsible for Peter getting hurt, let alone being killed. I don't think I could live with myself. I'm having a hard time right now and we're both okay now.
And this time it seems so... different. When I got shot and Max healed me, somehow I got caught up in his world without thinking about it. Maybe it was because the gunshot was so random and the danger after that was so slow to happen I couldn't see it for what it was. Now I can't stop thinking about things.
I jumped off a cliff, for one. I kept thinking if I started to tackle my fears I would start feeling better about what happened. I asked Peter to jump with me - some stupid metaphor for us and our problems. I'm trying not to think too much on the fact Peter jumped first, without me. I know he wanted to show me how strong I can be and I didn't tell him what I was thinking jumping together meant, but it's hard not to think the universe was telling me something. Like he'll always jump first and I'll always be following and never really able to catch up
Or... something.
And then, now, I find myself having to stop myself from throwing myself at Peter. A part of me can't stop thinking about how if we just have sex, everything will feel better somehow. I don't even know why or what that says about me. Maybe it's that whole thing you see in movies where they know they're going to die and they don't want to die a virgin. Or maybe it's that idea of feeling alive again after almost dying. I don't know, but it's hard to shake. I can't tell Peter though, I don't want to pressure him. I'm sure the feeling will go away eventually.
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timeasmymeasure
July 25
Date: 2018-08-12 01:27 am (UTC)I'd been lying to myself about what I'm capable of. I thought maybe someone like Quill could teach me to be better than what I am now. That I could be some sort of super hero since there are people in Peter's world that don't have powers, but who fight too.
I was wrong.
I don't like guns. It's not that they scare me, necessarily, but I don't like what they do. I remember, you know? I remember what it felt like to get shot. I remember how it burned and seared and how I could feel air in my stomach. I should have realized it sooner, but even though Star-Lord uses energy weapon gun things, it's still a gun... and I don't want to kill anything.
So when we got to the cave, I changed up his plans and ended up causing a cave-in. I don't know why Peter was there, but I know if he hadn't been, I would be dead right now. I guess I really do have a type, huh?
If Peter hadn't been able to get free, though, or had Quill and Alec to help, we would both be dead right now. Somehow, that's worse. I don't want to be responsible for Peter getting hurt, let alone being killed. I don't think I could live with myself. I'm having a hard time right now and we're both okay now.
And this time it seems so... different. When I got shot and Max healed me, somehow I got caught up in his world without thinking about it. Maybe it was because the gunshot was so random and the danger after that was so slow to happen I couldn't see it for what it was. Now I can't stop thinking about things.
I jumped off a cliff, for one. I kept thinking if I started to tackle my fears I would start feeling better about what happened. I asked Peter to jump with me - some stupid metaphor for us and our problems. I'm trying not to think too much on the fact Peter jumped first, without me. I know he wanted to show me how strong I can be and I didn't tell him what I was thinking jumping together meant, but it's hard not to think the universe was telling me something. Like he'll always jump first and I'll always be following and never really able to catch up
Or... something.
And then, now, I find myself having to stop myself from throwing myself at Peter. A part of me can't stop thinking about how if we just have sex, everything will feel better somehow. I don't even know why or what that says about me. Maybe it's that whole thing you see in movies where they know they're going to die and they don't want to die a virgin. Or maybe it's that idea of feeling alive again after almost dying. I don't know, but it's hard to shake. I can't tell Peter though, I don't want to pressure him. I'm sure the feeling will go away eventually.