Journal Entries
Dec. 26th, 2031 08:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
st_hotflashesThese are the canon known entries to her journal up to when she appeared to the Inn. Listed in order.
September 23, 1999
I'm Liz Parker and five days ago I died. After that, things got really weird.
...
I could feel everything he was feeling. I could feel his loneliness. For the first time I was really seeing Max Evans, I saw me as he saw me, and the amazing thing was, in his eyes, I was beautiful.
...
Max Evans has put a force on me. It's like my whole life changed in an instant. It's just so ironic that when something like this finally happened to me, it was with an alien.
September 24, 1999
It's September 24th, I'm Liz Parker and five days ago I died. But then the really amazing thing happened. I came to life.
September 27, 1999
I'm Liz Parker and I will never look at the stars in the sky the same way again. I'll never look at anything the same way again. What did Max Evans mean when he said, "I'll see you in school?" Was it "I won't be able to breathe until we meet again" or was it just something someone says to, like, fill space? And what is he thinking right now? Is he also obsessed, tortured, going through one sleepless night to the next, wondering what's going to happen between us?
...
The thing about Czechoslovakians that you sorta have to factor in, is they have these incredibly soulful eyes.
...
Ever since I found out about Max and Michael and Isabel, I've been thinking a lot about secrets. That for everyone who has a secret, there's someone else who needs to know what that secret is. How sometimes secrets keep people from feeling like they belong. And sometimes secrets make you feel like you do belong. And now even I, Liz Parker, the smallest of small town girls with the simplest of lives-- even I have something to hide.
October 1999
Listening to Topolsky I suddenly realized that it wasn't my future I was worried about at all. My future was filled with all kinds of promise, if I could just get through my present.
...
The future was always so clear to me. A straight path towards my goal. I just never counted on there being any intersections. I guess that's what makes life more interesting. Keeping yourself open, letting new people in, changing your mind.
October 19 1999
It's October 19th. I'm Liz Parker and this is what I've been thinking. Can life ever go back to normal?
...
Part of me wants safety, wants to go back to how things were, to a life that I could predict, where I know how life is going to be. And the other part of me wants to go somewhere else, into the unknown.
...
The tough thing about following your heart is what people forget to mention, that sometimes your heart takes you to places you shouldn't be, places that are as scary as they are exciting and as dangerous as they are alluring, and sometimes your heart takes you to places that can never lead to a happy ending.
And that's not even the difficult part. The difficult part is when you follow your heart, you leave normal, you go into the unknown.
And once you do, you can never go back.
(Also in included in this entry is writing on her grandmother's death)
October 1999
It's funny how the world changes sometimes, how the streets you walked your entire life seem darker, colder. How the silence isn't so quiet anymore. How eyes you've barely even noticed now look at nothing but you. How the walk home every night is no longer routine, but a victory. And then you begin to wonder...maybe it's not the world that's changed. Maybe it's just you.
And then, suddenly...you begin to wonder all over again.
October 28, 1999
I've missed a few days. But in my absence I've been thinking about some things, about life before Max Evans saved me, of how I used to pray for something to happen, something to just break the routine, you know, of school and work...something that would make a small town feel bigger, that would make a small town girl feel bigger, too. And ever since I got my wish and Max Evans patched a bullet hole 2 inches below my ribs, I realized one thing...that the bigger your world gets, the bigger your problems get, too.
November 1999
Listening to Mr. Sommers, I realized how strange it must be for Max, Isabel, and Michael not to even know their own history. And how scary it would be if anyone discovered it before they did.
November 1999
All logic is gone. Here were my plans last night - finish my shift, dinner with the parents, half hour of talking to Maria on the phone, then dive into this issue I've been having with geometry, and hopefully finish in time to watch this A&E biography on Madame Curie. Instead, I took off in an open-air vehicle that probably shouldn't be allowed on the road to begin with, broke into a house, essentially stole things from it, and engaged in general bonding with aliens. Welcome to my world.
Have you ever had a moment when you're with the one person in the world you want to be with and the wind is blowing through your hair and the song that just describes your entire soul happens to come on, and then the person that you want to be with happens to love the same song and suddenly you realize you're listening to it together? And that no matter how crazy your life has gotten there's this one moment...this perfect moment...where you could just say that no matter what happens, nothing can take this moment away from me...
And then, something does.
...
Moments. It's amazing how one can just change things so radically. How a wild horse deciding to cross the road at that exact time could be responsible for Max being discovered. I need one more moment now. One more chance to change direction, to stop something bad from turning into something worse.
December 2, 1999
It's December 2nd, 1999. I'm Liz Parker, and this heat wave has made everyone crazy.
...
Heat expands, melts, makes things boil, sets things on fire. And seeing the effect of this heat all around me just pointed out in this really blatant way how my life wasn't expanding...that I was stuck.
...
The heat wave finally broke and I'm probably the only person in Roswell who didn't benefit from it. But it's for the best. Because if Max Evans and I had given in to temptation, if we had kissed each other even once, it would have taken us somewhere we both know we never should have gone.
(Details of a party in a warehouse and being arrested included in this entry)
December 1999
There are days when everything seems wrong, when little things just irk you for no good reason. And then there are days like today when the whole world just sings to you from the minute you open your eyes in the morning, till the minute you shut them again at night, days when you actually enjoy cleaning the milk shake machine.
...
I've always been the one who comes through in the time of crisis. I do what's necessary, and I don't panic. But seeing Michael so sick and having no way of knowing what was wrong or how to help made me scared. Scared that one day something could happen to Max and I wouldn't know how to help this person who means so much to me, who means everything.
January 2000
I hate the start of a cold. That little tickle that tells you something's about to happen that you know you can't prevent, something that could be mild if you do all the right things, or could knock you off your feet if you're not careful.
...
I guess everyone has their reasons for keeping people away, an instinct to protect yourself from getting hurt. It's part of human nature. I just wish Max would understand that...that he would realize that he's not that different from us at all. Maybe then we'd have a chance.
February 20, 2000
It's February 20th. I'm Liz Parker, and lately I've been having these feelings, like I'm changing inside, and part of me doesn't want to change. Part of me always wants to be my mom's little girl. But the thing is, these feelings are strong...dangerous, undeniable. It's like I have no choice. It's like...chemical.
September 23, 1999
I'm Liz Parker and five days ago I died. After that, things got really weird.
...
I could feel everything he was feeling. I could feel his loneliness. For the first time I was really seeing Max Evans, I saw me as he saw me, and the amazing thing was, in his eyes, I was beautiful.
...
Max Evans has put a force on me. It's like my whole life changed in an instant. It's just so ironic that when something like this finally happened to me, it was with an alien.
September 24, 1999
It's September 24th, I'm Liz Parker and five days ago I died. But then the really amazing thing happened. I came to life.
September 27, 1999
I'm Liz Parker and I will never look at the stars in the sky the same way again. I'll never look at anything the same way again. What did Max Evans mean when he said, "I'll see you in school?" Was it "I won't be able to breathe until we meet again" or was it just something someone says to, like, fill space? And what is he thinking right now? Is he also obsessed, tortured, going through one sleepless night to the next, wondering what's going to happen between us?
...
The thing about Czechoslovakians that you sorta have to factor in, is they have these incredibly soulful eyes.
...
Ever since I found out about Max and Michael and Isabel, I've been thinking a lot about secrets. That for everyone who has a secret, there's someone else who needs to know what that secret is. How sometimes secrets keep people from feeling like they belong. And sometimes secrets make you feel like you do belong. And now even I, Liz Parker, the smallest of small town girls with the simplest of lives-- even I have something to hide.
October 1999
Listening to Topolsky I suddenly realized that it wasn't my future I was worried about at all. My future was filled with all kinds of promise, if I could just get through my present.
...
The future was always so clear to me. A straight path towards my goal. I just never counted on there being any intersections. I guess that's what makes life more interesting. Keeping yourself open, letting new people in, changing your mind.
October 19 1999
It's October 19th. I'm Liz Parker and this is what I've been thinking. Can life ever go back to normal?
...
Part of me wants safety, wants to go back to how things were, to a life that I could predict, where I know how life is going to be. And the other part of me wants to go somewhere else, into the unknown.
...
The tough thing about following your heart is what people forget to mention, that sometimes your heart takes you to places you shouldn't be, places that are as scary as they are exciting and as dangerous as they are alluring, and sometimes your heart takes you to places that can never lead to a happy ending.
And that's not even the difficult part. The difficult part is when you follow your heart, you leave normal, you go into the unknown.
And once you do, you can never go back.
(Also in included in this entry is writing on her grandmother's death)
October 1999
It's funny how the world changes sometimes, how the streets you walked your entire life seem darker, colder. How the silence isn't so quiet anymore. How eyes you've barely even noticed now look at nothing but you. How the walk home every night is no longer routine, but a victory. And then you begin to wonder...maybe it's not the world that's changed. Maybe it's just you.
And then, suddenly...you begin to wonder all over again.
October 28, 1999
I've missed a few days. But in my absence I've been thinking about some things, about life before Max Evans saved me, of how I used to pray for something to happen, something to just break the routine, you know, of school and work...something that would make a small town feel bigger, that would make a small town girl feel bigger, too. And ever since I got my wish and Max Evans patched a bullet hole 2 inches below my ribs, I realized one thing...that the bigger your world gets, the bigger your problems get, too.
November 1999
Listening to Mr. Sommers, I realized how strange it must be for Max, Isabel, and Michael not to even know their own history. And how scary it would be if anyone discovered it before they did.
November 1999
All logic is gone. Here were my plans last night - finish my shift, dinner with the parents, half hour of talking to Maria on the phone, then dive into this issue I've been having with geometry, and hopefully finish in time to watch this A&E biography on Madame Curie. Instead, I took off in an open-air vehicle that probably shouldn't be allowed on the road to begin with, broke into a house, essentially stole things from it, and engaged in general bonding with aliens. Welcome to my world.
Have you ever had a moment when you're with the one person in the world you want to be with and the wind is blowing through your hair and the song that just describes your entire soul happens to come on, and then the person that you want to be with happens to love the same song and suddenly you realize you're listening to it together? And that no matter how crazy your life has gotten there's this one moment...this perfect moment...where you could just say that no matter what happens, nothing can take this moment away from me...
And then, something does.
...
Moments. It's amazing how one can just change things so radically. How a wild horse deciding to cross the road at that exact time could be responsible for Max being discovered. I need one more moment now. One more chance to change direction, to stop something bad from turning into something worse.
December 2, 1999
It's December 2nd, 1999. I'm Liz Parker, and this heat wave has made everyone crazy.
...
Heat expands, melts, makes things boil, sets things on fire. And seeing the effect of this heat all around me just pointed out in this really blatant way how my life wasn't expanding...that I was stuck.
...
The heat wave finally broke and I'm probably the only person in Roswell who didn't benefit from it. But it's for the best. Because if Max Evans and I had given in to temptation, if we had kissed each other even once, it would have taken us somewhere we both know we never should have gone.
(Details of a party in a warehouse and being arrested included in this entry)
December 1999
There are days when everything seems wrong, when little things just irk you for no good reason. And then there are days like today when the whole world just sings to you from the minute you open your eyes in the morning, till the minute you shut them again at night, days when you actually enjoy cleaning the milk shake machine.
...
I've always been the one who comes through in the time of crisis. I do what's necessary, and I don't panic. But seeing Michael so sick and having no way of knowing what was wrong or how to help made me scared. Scared that one day something could happen to Max and I wouldn't know how to help this person who means so much to me, who means everything.
January 2000
I hate the start of a cold. That little tickle that tells you something's about to happen that you know you can't prevent, something that could be mild if you do all the right things, or could knock you off your feet if you're not careful.
...
I guess everyone has their reasons for keeping people away, an instinct to protect yourself from getting hurt. It's part of human nature. I just wish Max would understand that...that he would realize that he's not that different from us at all. Maybe then we'd have a chance.
February 20, 2000
It's February 20th. I'm Liz Parker, and lately I've been having these feelings, like I'm changing inside, and part of me doesn't want to change. Part of me always wants to be my mom's little girl. But the thing is, these feelings are strong...dangerous, undeniable. It's like I have no choice. It's like...chemical.
December 1 2017
Date: 2018-01-24 02:32 am (UTC)I met Max from the future. He came back somehow using the Granolith. I wish I could say it was a good visit but... he came back as a warning. You know that feeling that everything in the universe is working against you? Well, that's exactly how it felt when I told me I had to get my Max to stop loving me. And I did. It was incredibly hard and I had to get Kyle's help. He doesn't even know why, but he promised to help me. Even after everything, Kyle's a good friend.
So now, Max Evans is totally off limits, for the sake of the world.
What's funny is, as I write this I find myself sitting in a very strange room of the Madonna Inn. This place isn't on Earth, but it looks like Earth. People keep saying it's an alternate reality. Either way, I'm stuck here now. Maybe it's for the best. This way, I can't be around Max. Maybe here I can start to forget him. Start to forget everything...
December 4th 2017
Date: 2018-01-24 02:33 am (UTC)January 1 2018
Date: 2018-01-24 02:39 am (UTC)I also got to talk to someone my own age and about science. For a split second everything seemed normal again like I was back home at Roswell High. We actually have a lot of things in common. In his world there are superheroes. I wonder if it's the same world. He's from the future so anything is possible. What is with me and guys from the future?
Maybe I'm not meant for a normal life.
Maybe I don't want one...
January 18
Date: 2018-01-24 02:43 am (UTC)January 21
Date: 2018-01-28 02:52 am (UTC)Learning is a part of who I am. It's not just something I feel like I need to do because society says I need to do it. I like it and it makes me feel like I'm growing as a person.
Tonight I discovered another constant in my life. I'm drawn to people who aren't exactly normal. Maybe it's just how I'm wired or maybe after I almost died, something inside me changed. Whatever it is, it's followed me here...
I have no idea what I'm doing. Should I feel guilty? A part of me does. Tonight I kissed Peter and I saw something. I didn't think I could do that with anyone else but Max and Nasedo. Maybe that's a sign I shouldn't feel guilty? It felt right and when I think about it, I can't stop smiling.
I'm sorry Max.
January 25
Date: 2018-03-14 02:55 pm (UTC)Speaking of teachers, I'm really glad to have Kitty and Piotr giving me lessons like this is some really weird, alternative boarding school. The work is challenging - especially Piotr's because drawing has never come naturally to me. But I'm happy and it makes me feel normal, or at least as normal as someone can while being stuck in an alternate dimension.
February 14th
Date: 2018-03-14 03:06 pm (UTC)Last Valentine's Day, Max and I were still pretending we couldn't be together because he was an alien and I wasn't.
I'll probably never get around to having a Valentine's Day with Max Evans, ever. Maybe my dad and Kyle are right. Maybe Valentine's Day is over-rated.
----
I was wrong. Valentine's Day can be wonderful. Maybe it's not really the day, but the person.
I had the most wonderful night tonight. Peter made me this really cute card and got me cookies and I did my best to make a cupcake. He seemed to like it, but I'm going to go back and talk to Pike for some more pointers.
We talked for so long and it felt nice and right and the fact he wanted to talk at all was really... refreshing. And then we did this silly science experiment that I found in the only science text book this place has and we ended up on the floor together.
The way Peter kisses me makes it seem like the rest of the world melts away.
After that, we watched Star Wars. Peter talked the entire time about all the things he loved about the movie, but I didn't even mind. I like seeing him excited. It's nice.
This might have been the best night of my life.
February 21
Date: 2018-03-14 03:18 pm (UTC)I want to help Jane however I can. I'm going to research some of her tattoos in the hope that maybe it will help her remember something about who she is.
February 27
Date: 2018-03-14 03:36 pm (UTC)The Inn sometimes opens up to another world, which in and of itself sounds completely crazy, but it's true. The moment one opened up, Peter came to find me and we went inside. Then things went crazy.
Somehow we found ourselves in the middle of a fight with aliens that looked like cats. I don't even really want to dwell on why they wanted me, but they did. If it wasn't for Peter, I'd have been dead or worse. I have a feeling whatever they had planned for me wasn't something good.
But he saved me. Not only did he fight for me, but I was thrown off of a balcony and he used his ability to keep me from hitting the ground.
Some people might have stopped there, but we met this nice alien named Yetu. He looked kind of like a mole from those stories of people who live in the center of the Earth. He showed us the most beautiful garden I have ever seen. The plants there were all alien and for a moment it was like we were in a romantic movie. That is until we almost got caught and we escaped through a waterfall which totally soaked me and I ended up changing into Peter's Spiderman suit.
That thing is so tight. I don't know how Peter does it - I definitely think he looks better in it than I do. But I got to talk to Karen, the AI of the suit, a little and she seems really nice. Can a computer be nice?
Our bad luck didn't really stop there because Peter ended up getting entranced by another type of alien who uses pheromones. For some reason the alien wanted him to carry a bomb somewhere.
You know when you're in a life or death situation and your brain can only think of one way out? That was me. That was how I ended up in my underwear, sweating, and Peter's face in my chest. It ended up working and he snapped out of it, but I can't help but wonder what he thinks of me now. Has anything changed? It wasn't exactly the way I wanted my first time almost-naked in front of a boy to go. Even with Kyle, he had never looked when he helped me pretend to be sleeping together.
I hope this doesn't change us.
March 5th 2018
Date: 2018-03-26 06:21 pm (UTC)Peter rented a room at a hotel in an alien space station and we spent the night. Nothing happened and yet, everything happened at the same time.
You could see the stars out in space so clearly and we talked about so many things. I have never felt so entirely and completely safe with someone, not even Max. Maybe the Inn acts as a place to learn lessons like this?
It's 1pm the next day and my body still feels like it's humming from the night before.
I'm Liz Parker and I might just be the luckiest girl right now.
March 10th
Date: 2018-03-26 06:25 pm (UTC)Sometimes when I see Peter in the hall or while I'm working I can't help but remember dreams like this and then it's hard to concentrate on anything else for a while.
I wonder if he feels the same way.
March 22nd
Date: 2018-05-07 12:56 am (UTC)I gave my journal to Peter because it was only fair to let him see me, really see me, the way I sometimes accidentally see him in flashes.
Sometimes I worry that he will get tired or annoyed with this intrusion of privacy and sometimes I worry that he'll want to stop seeing me. I'm not sure I could blame him if he did. I keep wondering if it's a thing I can learn to control like the Force is learned in Star Wars - Peter is clearly influencing my pop culture references.
The night before I gave Peter my journal, we went to a spring dance. He looked very cute and even though he was nervous, he managed to dance pretty well with me. I had a really good time, even after Alec came to me with a very drunk Peter who I brought back to my room.
That's where I found out Peter can speak Italian. Italian might be the sexiest language alive. Every time he speaks it, I want to fall all over him. I don't even think he knows how it affects me. If he were to ever sing to me or recite poetry, I don't know what I'd do.
I'm glad he spent the night though. Sleeping next to him... it's probably the nicest feeling in the world.
March 30th
Date: 2018-05-07 01:02 am (UTC)Piotr seemed to be happy, too. He wasn't at the dance and I think something was bothering him, but I'm not sure. I'm hoping I can surprise him soon with some Russian, though. I've been working really hard with Iyllana to learn as much as I can.
April 1st
Date: 2018-05-07 01:10 am (UTC)I also met a new kid today. His name is Makoto, but he goes by Mack. He seemed really nice. It's kind of nice that there are some people my age at the inn. Kitty and Piotr and the others are nice, but it's nice to be around people your own age. I'm thinking maybe we should have some sort of gathering. Moana suggested the beach so I think I'll try and organize something like that. Hopefully everyone will come.
April 5th
Date: 2018-05-07 01:14 am (UTC)What was I thinking?
We got these gifts in Easter Eggs and mine was the Crashdown uniform. I should have examined it more closely, but I didn't and of course I found a bunch of pictures back home in front of Peter and some of them were of Max.
It didn't even bother me that there were pictures obviously taken by the FBI. It was more I couldn't believe my boyfriend was looking at pictures of me with Max. And that look... it was the same look Max had when he saw me in bed with Kyle.
I panicked and I made things worse. I know Kitty said that I just needed to talk to him, but I couldn't knock on his door. I felt so stupid and I could totally understand if he didn't want to see me for a while.
Sometimes it's as if everything I try to do backfires on me. Maybe I'm just not supposed to be happy with someone.
April 11th
Date: 2018-05-07 01:30 am (UTC)It's funny how things work out though.
Peter and I made up and then we went further in our relationship, but then, just as we were getting used to that, I went and had another flash. This time - this time it was different. It wasn't embarrassing. It was frightening.
I knew Peter's job as Spider-Man was dangerous, but I didn't actuallyknow until I felt him under that rubble. He was so scared. How can I be okay with letting him go back to a place where he could die? The cruel thing is, I know if I don't let him, I'm hurting him even more. He loves helping people. It's part of who he is. And if I really love him - and I do - I have to be willing to let him put his life on the line. I owe it to him.
April 22
Date: 2018-05-07 01:36 am (UTC)I might not be a superhero like Peter, but that doesn't mean I don't want to save my friends.
April 23
Date: 2018-05-07 01:46 am (UTC)I showed him the spot I found in the forest afterwards. Things got... heated. I guess I almost made him orgasm.
I'd be lying if I wasn't curious what that might look like. The thought of being able to make Peter feel that good is... something I'd really like to do, when we're ready. I know that the more I'm around him, the more I want him to touch me.
April 27th
Date: 2018-05-07 01:50 am (UTC)Before I made a complete fool of myself on the roof, we had a long talk and it was nice.
Peter told me about Ben... I know that must have been hard for him. I'm glad he told me, though. I want to know everything about Peter from the good and the bad. Knowing about Ben... maybe somehow I can help him heal from that, if you can.
All I know is that Peter, despite everything that has happened ot him, still has so much light in him. I want to help keep that light glowing.
May 1
Date: 2018-05-07 02:09 am (UTC)I used to think that when I felt ready, things would just be easy and everything would fall into place. I'd know what to do and what to say and how to feel. In reality, I have no clue.
I feel like I'm ready. I know I want to go all the way with Peter. I want him to be my first. I want him to have my body and for me to have his, but that's somehow not enough.
I can't believe I had a flash. I've never had one where I saw someone doing something so... intimate. I know I have to tell Peter, but I have no idea how to tell him without making it embarrassing for him. I don't want to lie, either.
Somehow, I have to tell him.
------------
I can't sleep, so I need to write this down.
Before the whole awkward make out thing, we had a talk. I wanted to tell Peter about the future I'll never have back home. The one where I get married in Vegas to Max. I wanted to tell him because I chose to give that up. I made that decision. And I wanted him to know that my decision was to be with him no matter what. That even if I came back to my world and he wasn't around, I don't think I'd marry. It wouldn't be fair to the person I'm with as my heart would always be elsewhere.
It didn't go over well.
I know Peter loves me. I know it. But I can't help the voice that whispers sometimes that... maybe he isn't with me 100%. Like he's holding back from me. And it breaks my heart.
May 11
Date: 2018-05-28 01:39 am (UTC)There is some information that you learn that I don't think you ever really recover from. There are some things that when you learn about it, you can never go back. I remember reading a short story once called Before/After and now I really understand what it's talking about.
Max slept with Tess and Tess is pregnant.
Maybe I shouldn't have asked Emma about the future back home. I had really wanted to ask about the future with Peter, but I was too scared to hear that truth. Somehow I thought asking about Max would be easier and... it wasn't.
And then I was so stupid and went to talk to Peter of all people about it. I still wonder if that was a mistake? He seemed to understand, but I went to my boyfriend about being upset about my ex.
I don't know how to feel or how to think. I can't...
Corbie told me I shouldn't have said anything to Peter. I wonder if he has doubts about us now? I'm going to have to try to figure something out. He doesn't deserve this.
....
I had a really big fight with Kitty. It was... I can't believe it happened. I yelled and she swore and the whole thing seems so - I don't know if she'll ever want to talk to me again.
She was right about a few things. I didn't pay enough attention to what she was saying and missed all the significant stuff. I didn't realize she was hurting to much about losing someone at the Inn and that there was also another someone about her necklace and... I'm basically just the worst. Kitty might be my teacher, but she's also my friend and I've been ignoring her. Now I don't know what to do about it.
It seems like I have a lot of people I need to make things up to.
And even though I know I was in the wrong, I still can't help but feel like Kitty sees how I feel through some strange 'you're just a kid' lens. Maybe that's just something I'm worried about in general, but the idea that I might only feel like Peter and I are meant to be together because we're stuck so close together - that doesn't sit right with me. I don't think that's true at all. I don't believe the only reason why we like each other is because we're stuck here.
...
And I finally admitted to someone other than Peter I have some weird ability and Kitty said some things. I know I'm not special. It's not even something I want to have. It's too invasive and not fair to Peter at all. But the way Kitty talked about it... I wish I didn't feel so little about it. Like I'm swimming in a sea of all these people who can do great things with themselves and their lives and I'm just an outlier and a waste of space. Like maybe I shouldn't have this ability. I probably shouldn't, anyways. I only have it because Max healed me. Maybe...
May 13
Date: 2018-05-28 01:47 am (UTC)I saw something that looked like Peter was cheating and even though I knew he wasn't and everything in my heart said I was seeing a misunderstanding, I let my mind take over and I accused Peter of cheating.
I have never seen him so upset. And he should be. I had no right to do that at all. I mean, I know he wouldn't do that. I know it. But at that moment... I compared him to Max and Peter was right. It's a terrible thing to do.
....
Dear Max,
I can't do this anymore. I wish you were here so I could say this to your face, but I'm letting you go. It's not just because of Tess, but... I want to be happy. I want to be happy here. I want to be happy back home. I'm tired of feeling like I'm always crying. It's not your fault. You didn't ask to crash land on Earth and have people hunt you, I know. And I'll still be there to help you however I can. But I can never be with you again. Ever.
I love Peter and he makes me happy. Really happy. He doesn't lie to me or keep things from me and I know I can be honest with him.
I'm sorry Max,
Liz
May 20
Date: 2018-05-28 02:22 am (UTC)You will never guess that happened to me last night! I really wish you could be here so I can tell you everything in person, but this will just have to do.
First of all, I sang. I really did! It was so embarrassing and I know you could have done a better job, but I wanted Peter to know how much he meant to me and this was the best way I knew how.
Anyways, there was some stuff that happened at dinner and I'll tell you about that later, but right now I need to tell you want happened after and I wish you were here so we could freak out together.
You know how we talked about one of the hardest things to do, other than actually having sex, would be to have someone see you naked for the first time? I did it, Maria. I actually did it! That's not it though. Peter decided he should be naked too and we took a shower together. It was.. it was so embarrassing for a moment, but then when we were both naked and in the shower... I don't know. It was... it was really nice and kind of empowering? Like, the whole world didn't explode, you know?
Maria - Penises look nothing like they do in photographs. I don't know how to explain it. I don't even know if you were here if I could actually explain it. When a guy's aroused... I've never seen another one, but Peter's was... really impressive. Do you think it's weird if I ask Peter to touch it? I don't really mean touch it to make him feel good. Okay, I want to do that too, but I just kind of want to touch it and look at it and see how it moves and responds. That's probably really weird, right? I can already picture you rolling your eyes at me.
Anyways, we made out a lot too. It was probably the most intense making out I've ever done. And Maria, I thought he was going to touch me, you know? Like, touch me, touch me. And when he didn't, I actually felt disappointed. Disappointed. I think now I might understand Kyle a little better when he used to groan. Not that I said anything because even just making out with Peter like that... it was really good and super overwhelming. Peter has got to be the hottest when he takes charge. He pushed me against the wall and, Maria, I swear I lost all functions of my knees for a minute. Peter is a really good kisser.
God, Maria, I feel like there's so much more I need to say to you. Maybe I'll write you another letter soon.
I really miss you.
Liz
May 23rd
Date: 2018-06-18 01:49 pm (UTC)There are some moments when it becomes so glaringly obvious I'm from Roswell, New Mexico and it's those times I'm never more sure I can't stay there.
May 31
Date: 2018-06-18 01:55 pm (UTC)I wonder if I'll ever be able to remember what happened. The idea there's this chunk of time that I can't recall is so utterly disarming. I feel bad for people who lose their entire memory.
June 5th
Date: 2018-06-18 01:57 pm (UTC)Whether or not I'll ever actually be able to make any of them proud is up in the air, though.
June 15th
Date: 2018-06-18 02:00 pm (UTC)Talking to him about the inn was really stressful. I'm pretty sure he came from a moment in his life that was really stressful, even though he didn't want to talk about it, and he left his brother and mother behind. Giving him the bad news was really hard. I guess now I understand why people 'shoot the messenger' sometimes. I hope he'll be okay here...
June 18th
Date: 2018-07-05 03:11 am (UTC)Corbie was really nice about everything. She offered to talk to me about stuff if I have questions.
But after all that... things got really good. Things changed, in fact. I hadn't planned on it, but Peter joined me to practice drawing. I couldn't really concentrate and we ended up in the lake. We ended up practically naked in the lake... actually, Peter did end up naked.
I kind of wish I could have seen him. I mean, I have seen him before, but this time was different. This time I asked if I could touch him. Even in the cold water, he felt warm to the touch and so hard, but also kind of spongy? He put his hand over mine and showed me how to stroke him... it was probably the hottest thing that's ever happened to me. I wish I could see what it looked like when I touched it. I keep thinking Peter would be embarrassed if I told him I wanted to watch as I stroked him.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to put him in my mouth... and what he would taste like.
I don't even know if Peter would let me. Would he? Kyle used to say it was every guy's dream, but Kyle and Peter are two very different people.
But the best part was being able to make him orgasm. There's this sort of... rush of happiness when you're able to make someone feel that good. It's like you can show them how much you love them in an act that's all about their pleasure. Now that I've done it once, I just want to do it all the time to him... is that weird?
June 23rd
Date: 2018-07-05 03:17 am (UTC)Yes, I said Europe.
Another Otherworld appeared and it was Earth. It wasn't home - no one from Roswell was there, but it was definitely Earth. We went to Germany and saw so many things on the first day. Alec came with Peter and I and even though he grumbled a lot, I think he had a good time.
He and Peter act like brothers. They bicker a lot and know how to push each other's buttons. I try not to look too amused when they do it, but they're really cute together. I'm glad they have each other.
Alec convinced us to go to a club. It was my first time at a club. Turns out it wasn't a real club because the police showed up and we had to sneak out. Peter... I think he might be claustrophobic. I didn't know why at the time, but now as I lay in bed... Could it be from when he was almost crushed?
I don't know how to fix something like that. I know I got really angry at Alec, and I still sort of am, even though none of it is his fault. I just... keep picturing Peter's face and it hurts. I don't want him ever feeling anything like that again. I just... need to find a way to protect him somehow.
July 1st
Date: 2018-07-05 03:27 am (UTC)-----
Dear Maria,
I had the most intense orgasm ever in my life. We often wondered how someone else touching us would feel and it is incredible. I've been trying to think of a way to explain it, but I can't put it into words. Maybe it's like how you have a really hard time tickling yourself, but other people can tickle you easily. Nothing really prepared me for his fingers... and I have to admit, it made me think a lot about other things. Like how his fingers would feel inside me. I've only ever done that once and it felt like, I don't know, like I was cheating or something. I know you think I'm silly for thinking that. I remember your epic eyeroll when we talked about it before, but... whatever.
I wonder if Peter liked it. He said he did, but... I don't think he'd say anything if he hated it either. I really wish you were here so we could actually talk... I miss you.
July 5th
Date: 2018-07-05 03:30 am (UTC)I have no idea why it scares me so much to think of Peter putting himself out there - he done that before and I knew he'd be fine. Somehow, today in the train station.... I was so worried about him.
And it was my fault, too. I should have been more careful and Peter would have had to go out of his way to help fix our problem. If something had happened to him because of me...
I need to be better at this part. I need to keep Peter say somehow, even if it kills me.
July 12
Date: 2018-08-12 12:56 am (UTC)I'm hoping Peter will nice the reminder of home. It did occur to me that maybe it would make him miss home and make him sad, but I'm pretty sure he'll be more happy about it than anything else. At least, I really hope so.
July 25
Date: 2018-08-12 01:27 am (UTC)I'd been lying to myself about what I'm capable of. I thought maybe someone like Quill could teach me to be better than what I am now. That I could be some sort of super hero since there are people in Peter's world that don't have powers, but who fight too.
I was wrong.
I don't like guns. It's not that they scare me, necessarily, but I don't like what they do. I remember, you know? I remember what it felt like to get shot. I remember how it burned and seared and how I could feel air in my stomach. I should have realized it sooner, but even though Star-Lord uses energy weapon gun things, it's still a gun... and I don't want to kill anything.
So when we got to the cave, I changed up his plans and ended up causing a cave-in. I don't know why Peter was there, but I know if he hadn't been, I would be dead right now. I guess I really do have a type, huh?
If Peter hadn't been able to get free, though, or had Quill and Alec to help, we would both be dead right now. Somehow, that's worse. I don't want to be responsible for Peter getting hurt, let alone being killed. I don't think I could live with myself. I'm having a hard time right now and we're both okay now.
And this time it seems so... different. When I got shot and Max healed me, somehow I got caught up in his world without thinking about it. Maybe it was because the gunshot was so random and the danger after that was so slow to happen I couldn't see it for what it was. Now I can't stop thinking about things.
I jumped off a cliff, for one. I kept thinking if I started to tackle my fears I would start feeling better about what happened. I asked Peter to jump with me - some stupid metaphor for us and our problems. I'm trying not to think too much on the fact Peter jumped first, without me. I know he wanted to show me how strong I can be and I didn't tell him what I was thinking jumping together meant, but it's hard not to think the universe was telling me something. Like he'll always jump first and I'll always be following and never really able to catch up
Or... something.
And then, now, I find myself having to stop myself from throwing myself at Peter. A part of me can't stop thinking about how if we just have sex, everything will feel better somehow. I don't even know why or what that says about me. Maybe it's that whole thing you see in movies where they know they're going to die and they don't want to die a virgin. Or maybe it's that idea of feeling alive again after almost dying. I don't know, but it's hard to shake. I can't tell Peter though, I don't want to pressure him. I'm sure the feeling will go away eventually.
August 2nd
Date: 2018-08-12 02:11 am (UTC)And I was so stupid when I met her. I panick and made so many bad choices. I wouldn't be surprised if she hated me forever now. I almost made her cry and then I thought maybe it would be easier for everyone if I just removed myself from the equation so I broke up with Peter right then and there. I can't even begin to describe how much it hurt. It didn't even hurt as much when I pretended to sleep with Kyle in front of Max.
Peter came over and we're back together and he says we are okay, but I worry something between us has changed forever. I can't believe how weak and stupid I was. I'm lucky he still wanted to be with me. I keep thinking maybe if I had Maria here, she would have been able to somehow stop me. It's strange, but it's like, I haven't had to calm her down in so long that now I'm having these outbursts I never normally would, you know?
I'll have to find a way to make it up to Annie and somehow, if it's even possible, get her to like me. Peter seemed so attached to her and they way he looked at her - there's no doubt in my mind he's going to be a good father either. I just don't ever want him to feel like he needs to choose.
August 6
Date: 2018-08-12 02:20 am (UTC)I forgot how much I liked camping. The dad-kid camping thing was starting to feel a little dorky, but being out here alone reminds me how much I actually miss my dad. I keep picturing his excited face when he gets the school flyer in the mail and how he starts making lists like two weeks before the trip even though the same thing happens every year. And how he always makes sure to pack enough stuff for Maria too, since Maria doesn't have a dad to take her. It's funny, but somehow I think my dad would take Peter too. He'd probably adopt anyone who didn't have a dad for this sort of thing and act like it was no big deal and totally normal.
I wonder if Tony Stark would go camping. That's an image - my dad and me, Mr. Stark and Peter, all camping on a school trip. I wonder if my dad would like Mr. Stark. He's not usually fond of corporate people, but I think Mr. Stark's actually a really nice guy. I can see why Peter likes him so much and I know Peter looks up to him like a dad, too.
Peter Parker... gets a dad and a daughter in one day. It's like he went from no family to a whole family in the blink of an eye and he hasn't complained or talked much about it. I need to ask him. I need to make sure he's okay and that he has someone to talk to, even if it's not me.
August 7
Date: 2018-08-12 02:36 am (UTC)August 8
Date: 2018-08-12 02:49 am (UTC)August 9
Date: 2018-08-12 03:14 am (UTC)I remember thinking about how so many of the constellations were associated with everlasting punishment in some way. Taurus, the bull, is there because Zeus successfully kidnapped Europa while pretending to be a bull and he put the constellation up there as a reminder of his victory which I'm sure Europa was not a fan of.
And then there is the crab (which I looked up when I was in Europe - Peter's sign). Hera sent a crab to try to stop Hercules from defeating the Hydra. When the crab failed, the constellation was put up there to basically rub it in Hera's face (Zeus was not a nice god).
I guess that's why I always liked the Dolphin (other than it's my favourite animal). There was this guy, Airon, who was on a ship and he learned the crew was going to kill him. He plays music to distract the crew and it's so pretty it attracts dolphins. He realizes he might be saved by them if he jumps, so he does and the dolphins bring him home. To commemorate how dolphins always save people, the constellation was put in the sky.
Compared to Cancer and Taurus, it's really small in the sky. It's sort of like how bad things can really over shadow the good stuff. I'm going to try to see the good stuff more, because the good stuff is almost always more important than the bad.
August 10
Date: 2018-08-12 03:17 am (UTC)I'm Liz Parker, and I'm going to be happy.